how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
