if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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