Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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