Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
