I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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