this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
