I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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