It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
