i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize