I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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