we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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