Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
