Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
