One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
