Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
