Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
