I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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