I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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