I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
