I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
