So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
