I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
