If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
