someone get that fucking seahorse.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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