i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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