Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
