if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
