I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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