Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
