My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
