Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
