I have demons in me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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