no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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