i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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