He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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