Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
