Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
