she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
