i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
