I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
50% drunk capacity currently
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
