After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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