I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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