i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
