I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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