I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
