The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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