The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
