One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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