I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
