I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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