just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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