I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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