we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize