No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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