my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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