He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
