we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
