We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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