So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize
